Setting boundaries with others can be intimidating. How do we kindly and proactively ensure healthy boundaries? It might be difficult to have the courage to communicate your boundaries with people. You might find it makes you feel selfish, aggressive, or even rude. But that is not the reality. Standing up for yourself is a valuable skill. Those who care about you and want to be involved in your life will respect your boundaries. Boundaries allow us to feel safe and respected both physically and emotionally. Having others respect our limits helps us to take better care of ourselves, build trust, and create a healthy environment to grow within our relationships. 

Boundaries can be set thoughtfully, protecting you and fostering better understanding with loved ones. It’s never too late to start exploring how we can create boundaries. Here are a few ways to keep in mind:

1. Listen to your body

Our bodies give us signals when we are near a personal limit. Notice if you feel your jaw tighten or your fists clench. Maybe you feel your throat tighten. Maybe you feel it in your stomach. Whatever the cue, take note of what your body tells you. Take some time to explore your discomfort and consider future boundaries.

2. Understand your priorities 

Spreading yourself too thin can lead to burnout and frustration, while also robbing you of the chance to focus on what truly matters. Before you agree to something, ask yourself: “Am I saying yes to this because I want to, or because I feel obligated?”  Make a list of your priorities and compare it to how you spend your time. This might reveal some adjustments you can make to feel more fulfilled!

3. Communicate with clarity 

Practice saying no when you don’t want to do something. You don’t have to explain yourself or offer an excuse. The following phrases are complete answers: “No, thank you.” “Thanks, but I can’t.”  

If someone you care about has violated your boundaries, you may want to give them more information. Here’s a helpful template to express your frustration: 

When you ___________, I felt ______________. 

Please don’t ___________. 

_____________ is important to me. 

For example: 

“When you told our friends about what’s been going on with my family, I felt hurt and embarrassed. Please don’t share things about me without my consent. My privacy is important to me.“

4. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable 

If you’re not used to asserting your boundaries, you may find yourself feeling awkward, scared, guilty, or nervous when addressing a personal limit. Give yourself grace and time to build up your confidence with setting boundaries. 

5. Take time to reflect, if you need

You might feel flustered or caught off guard when someone oversteps a boundary. It’s okay to take time to process what has happened. Give yourself permission to pause or return to the conversation after you have reflected. You can say, “I need some time to process this. Can we revisit this in a few hours/days?“

6. Boundaries can be flexible

Your boundaries are unique and can change over time depending on the person and the situation. Regularly check in with yourself to make sure your boundaries feel comfortable.

7. Be prepared

Setting boundaries can ruffle feathers. People who are used to controlling situations or who have their own boundary issues might take it poorly. Be kind and express your limits with compassion, but remember: their comfort is not your responsibility.

8. Create consequences 

Think ahead: what happens if someone keeps crossing your boundaries? Will you take a break, or even end the relationship? Will you stop working with them? Choose a consequence you’re comfortable with and stick to it. Feeling unsure? Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. They can support you!

9. Respect other people’s boundaries

People often signal their boundaries with body language or words. Look for signs like changing the subject quickly, avoiding eye contact, or seeming uncomfortable. Remember, these cues can vary by person. When unsure, just ask! “Is it okay if I give you some feedback?” or “Can I ask you a personal question?”